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| sparklers. and raspberry cake. |
For whatever reason, my birthday always feels like more of a new beginning than New Year because it's right at the start of a new season, and I'm a year older which means a part of me is actually, new. I'd like to think so anyway. I'd like to think that over the course of a year I've morphed into a more functional, emotionally stable, financially secure person. People in hell want ice water though, so I guess we can't have everything.
What I DO have is this fresh, dewy hope that the next year of my life will be full - of love and learning and more rice krispy treats.
And if I'm really lucky, I'll get to cross some of these things off, too.
25 Things for My 26th Year
1. Get outside - These days, I go from my bed, to sitting in my car to get to work, to sitting at my desk, to sitting back in my car to get home, to my other desk to do homework, then back to my bed. My life right now is just transitioning from one little box to another. I need fresh air, I need dirty bare feet. And bike rides and camping trips and long walks.
2. Forgive more quickly - I've had this thing about me for pretty much my whole life where if you've hurt me at all, I don't forget it. And in fact use it as a reason to stagnate and not trust and do all sorts of other psychologically damaging activities. But I think I'm over that now. I'm ready to feel light and open. And I can't do that if I'm white knuckling every bad thing that's ever happened to me.
3. Hold on to nothing - see above. Life is this ephemeral, slippery thing. And nothing lasts at all. It's taken me a long time to figure this out. But I'm starting to get it. It all tastes sweeter because you know it's gonna be gone.
4. Do drugs before I'm too old to be reckless and irresponsible - I'm not talking about heroin and meth guys. Jesus. But I need to tune in and drop out before I'm like, 30 or whatever. Free yo' mind, man.
5. See the West coast - Ugh. Seriously. There really is no excuse for my being in my mid-20's and not having visited the other side of the Mississippi. None. It's actually embarrassing to type. I want to see Oregon. Or Washington. Or California. And I will.
6. Leave the country - This is a big one. I want to go somewhere where I'm completely uncomfortable. Where I can't lean on language and familiarity to navigate myself. I'm of the firm belief that travel, the big kind, is required for the growth of the soul. Call it hippy-dippy if you want, but it's true. I want to feel small. I want to be forced to recognize that the United States is but a teeny speck on this vast planet.
7. Turn my internship into a paid writing job - aside from being absolutely necessary for all the aforementioned trips I'm apparently going to be taking, I'M TIRED OF WRITING FOR FREE. I want to make a living doing what I love doing. And I'm still under the delusion that that's a possibility. I'm young and free in America. And I will follow my destiny. Even if that means writing for a teeny newspaper or editing a community magazine or being a writing/literacy tutor.
8. Write. Everyday. Like it is my job - This is self explanatory. Writers write. It's that simple. People who wait around for a reason to write aren't writers. They're waiters. (That's not mine. I read it somewhere. But it's awesome. And true.)
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| Not a waiter. |
9. Visit my dad more - I can't run from it forever. And I have so many things I need to tell him. Even if I'm just talking to stone.
10. Be patient with myself - I hold myself to the most impossible expectations. And then subsequently let myself down when I don't live up to them. It's not healthy. And I wanna spend the next year knocking that shit off.
11. Move - This one is mandatory. If I stay in the apartment I am in now, I will start inflicting property damage on the place. It's a horrible, tiny space filled with negativity and bad memories and it's time ta-go.
12. Go back to yoga - More specifically hot yoga. Aside from running, hot yoga is the most amazing, relaxing, painful, challenging, rewarding workout ever. I miss how I felt when I used to do it all the time.
13. Volunteer somewhere - so it turns out that sometimes I can be a pretty self-centered bee-yotch. We all can be actually. We all spend most of our time operating under the assumption that our problems are the biggest, most awfulest, DEFINITELY most important things going on in the whole of the universe. They're not. And the best way to be reminded of that is to go and spend time with people who could use your help, your time, your love, your hands. I want to help. I want to step outside myself and give something back. Maybe at a women's shelter, maybe for a literacy program. Just something.
14. Finish another semester of school - because this freaking degree isn't gonna earn itself.
15. Read Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace - it's just a thing, ya know? Like the Mount Everest of the literary crowd. Or the Himalayas. Or Mt. Kilimanjaro. Or anything off of Man vs. Food.
16. Hike a piece of the Appalachian Trail - I only live a few hours from the damn thing. Someone come with me.
17. Karaoke - this has more to do with learning to not care what people think about me than just marking something like this off a list. I tend to get paralyzed by people's perception of me. So this is a call to arms friends, let's do eeet.
18. Go to a professional hockey game - I've just never been to one. I wanna see ice and violence way up close.
19. Study French - cuz why not. I think it sounds kinda beautiful.
20. Practice kindness - as far as Audrey Hepburn and I are concerned, this is one of the best anti-aging regimens there is. I never feel better or healthier than when I've done something for the sheer sake of being kind. And I want to make it a point to do it more.
21. Foster female friendships - so for most of my life, most of my friends have been of the penis-having variety. It's not because, "oh god, girls just don't like me. I hate drama lolz." It's just the way the chips fell. I ended up with a handful of amazing guy friends who I adore to the ends of the Earth. But that doesn't mean that I don't crave time with my girlfriends. There's just this innate understanding between girls. You immediately feel less alone. And there's power in that. I don't spend enough time with the smart, strong, inspiring, wonderful women in my life.
22. Not be such a raging asshole when I'm driving - mostly because I'm getting closer to the age where I could just start having heart attacks. Something happens to me when I'm driving. Something dark and evil that only comes out when I'm face to face with such profound stupidity that I really believe I could inflict violence on someone. Turns out it's not that healthy. So I'm working on it.
23. Listen to my grandmother's stories - God, my grandmother is the coolest, best person I know. And she tells the best stories. One of my favorite things to do is to get in the car with her and go somewhere and listen to her tell me about how she grew up, what the 60's were like, how my mom was when she was little. It reminds me where I come from. And I never want to forget that. I don't do it enough. But I'm going to start.
24. Cook more - it's therapeutic. And healthy. And I'm good at it. I just need an adorable kitchen in a little loft apartment to do it in.
25. Stop apologizing - Gah. Women are so good at this. And it's sooo lame. If I have nothing to be sorry about, I'm not apologizing. If I don't have time to hang out or I don't feel like making the drive or I don't want to see you or I simply say no - I do not have to apologize for it.
Here's to 26.
xo.
