Some of the Things I Should've Said at Your Funeral

Dear Daddy,

Two years ago, just a few days before Father's Day, my world cracked open and you were gone.

I don't remember the last time I talked to you before that. But I remember the last time you called. I didn't answer the phone.

I miss the way your feet shuffled across the floor when you walked, usually in the middle of the night, up to raid the fridge. It never occurred to me then me the reasons why night after night someone wouldn't be able to sleep. All I know is that I felt safe knowing you were standing guard over us.

I miss that one time on Christmas Eve when you walked out of the bathroom with your face covered in shaving cream, trying to get out ho-ho-ho, and our laughter making it impossible. I know that's the dad you wanted to be all the time. And I also know how hard that was for you, now, looking back on it.

I miss that time you danced with mom in the garage as the sun went down, me watching from the tailgate of your red Chevy pick-up truck. Now every time I hear “Brown-Eyed Girl” I smile and kinda cry because it reminds me that despite everything, you did love mom more than anything. Or you tried to at least.

I miss the deep scruff of your voice and your crappy handwriting and I think sometimes about how scary it is - the notion that I may one day forget how you sound.

Most of all, I miss the things we'll never get to do. The things I'll never get to tell you, the aisle you won't walk me down, the advice you'll never give me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still mad at you. One day I hope I'll figure that whole forgiveness thing out. But today I'm still mad. I fight the thought that you gave up because it makes me white with rage and I try everyday to trust that you truly did the best you could and that the other stuff was just too big.

But regardless of everything, I miss having my dad. I miss you, today and everyday. There are still moments that buckle me out of nowhere. The world is field of land mine memories. But I'm strong and resilient and wise and tough. And at least some of that is because of you.

So just know that I love you. And I always did. Even when you were an asshole. And I hope wherever you are, your feet don't shuffle in the middle of the night anymore.

I hope you're still.

Forever and always,

Your little princess

"In the happiest of our childhood memories, our parents were happy too." -Robert Brault